


Forever is Only Relative

by Birdpeople (DeusExMachina)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, It's not super explicit, M/M, Oh my god that's a tag??, There's smoking in it but not much, um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 16:58:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2075880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeusExMachina/pseuds/Birdpeople
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco Bodt cries in his sleep. And Jean hates him all the more because he understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever is Only Relative

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time posting anything here. I really have nothing to say. Enjoy!!

Jean’s begun noticing one kid in particular from the 104th training squad. He hasn’t spoken to him, but Jean doesn’t like him.

 

He laughs easily. He always has a kind word for everyone. He’s never scared or angry or impatient.

 

Jean’s sick of him, sick of his stupid smile and his laughter and jokes. He hates him.

 

At night he is woken by a quiet noise. It is soft and pathetic and it takes him a few minutes of lying very still in the dark to figure out that voice.

 

He thought he had heard every sound that kid could make, every helpless burst of giggling, every patient sigh, every unconscious hum of focus. He thought it was impossible to hate someone more than he hated this kid.

 

Marco Bodt cries in his sleep. And Jean hates him all the more because he understands.

 

\---

 

Jean hasn’t spoken to Marco. He doesn’t want to hear anything the kid has to say. He knows the cold reality, and that is that any of them could die at any time. It’s not that Jean is unattached, and he definitely doesn’t want to die, but he doesn’t want to laugh at this kid’s jokes. The threat to them is real.

 

He doesn’t know if the kid understands that.

 

He hates his ignorance.

 

And his stupid grace and the way he makes friends easily. People become friends with Jean out of convenience and because he doesn’t turn them away. People become friends with Marco because he’s nice.

 

When the kid turns his smile on Jean, soft and sweet, Jean glares and then pointedly looks away. Resists the urge to check on his reaction.

 

Jean resents it. And he hates him.

 

\---

 

When Jean first catches Marco smoking behind barracks, he’s shocked. For a minute he studies him, the back of his head, the hunch of his shoulders against a slight chill, the red of his ears, the slight tremor of his hand deftly wielding the cigarette.

 

Then Marco lets out a gaspy, shaking breath, releasing a cloud of pale, pale smoke and quickly putting the cigarette back up to his lips and Jean realizes two things abruptly and with unshakeable certainty: that this is not the first time the kid’s done this, and that he thought he was alone.

 

Jean is backing away as quietly as he knows how, cursing the fact that this kind of stealth hasn’t been covered yet in basic. Marco must have heard the scuff of his foot.

 

He whirls around, and Jean is a split second from bolting, until he realizes that Marco’s face is pale under the flush from the cold and that his eyes are wide and scared even as the tracks of recent tears still shine wetly on his cheeks.

 

Not so unshakeable after all.

 

Marco Bodt is not fearless. He is afraid and Jean is meanly, hatefully glad.

 

After a moment, Jean leans casually against the brick wall. He considers telling Marco that he can hear him at night when he cries in the barracks.

 

The kid offers him a cigarette. Jean doesn’t smoke, but he stays anyway, and the kid doesn’t try to talk to him.

 

He is cruelly satisfied.

 

\---

 

Marco is meticulous. He cleans every piece of his gear in the same order every time. He tests each place where straps cross and each surface that rubs against another.

 

Jean approves.

 

The first time Jean sees the kid get angry is when he catches sight of a piece of untreated gear. Marco doesn’t exactly raise his voice, but he gives the other guy a low, menacing lecture about mortality until the other guy is practically cowering and the fire snapping from Marco’s dark eyes could have lit a candle at twenty paces.

 

The next time is when someone laughingly insults one of Marco’s friends. That time, Marco just takes the offender by the arm and leads her outside. She is unharmed when she comes back, but Marco doesn't return.

 

If Jean looked for Marco then, he would have been sure to check around behind the barracks.

 

Jean is starting to wonder whether or not he likes Marco.

 

\---

 

 

 

 

Jean hates Marco again.

 

He hates the stupid, selfish kid who is kissing Marco behind the dining hall on Sunday.

 

He almost interrupts, before he remembers that he doesn’t care about the kid.

 

He leaves and he’s almost sure that Marco saw him, that he’s following after him-

 

Jean walks blindly. Marco is not following him. He hates him so much. Why does he care?

 

Jean lies in bed. He hates Marco. He wants badly to be kissed. Maybe Marco’s not the only one shedding tears tonight.

 

And Jean hates that he will have that connection to the stupidly sensitive, abhorrently emotional boy, even just for one night.

 

\---

 

Jean watches Marco.

 

He doesn’t trust him. He’s barely spoken to him, but he doesn’t like him. His hair is always clean and shining no matter what exercise they do.

 

He experiences a pang of satisfaction on one particular day when, after training, Marco’s face is red with exertion and his hair is plastered to his scalp, freckles standing out among rivulets of sweat.

 

Not perfect. Not special.

 

He hastily averts his eyes in the communal washrooms when Marco begins undressing.

 

\---

 

Marco is patient with other people. Other people do not grow tired of Marco. He is polite, and when he is called upon to decide the winner of an argument, he is fair. Everyone feels as if they have won.

 

Whenever Jean notices that he has disappeared, he looks for him behind the barracks. He doesn’t always smoke there. Sometime he goes out there to be alone.

 

Jean derives pleasure from stealing this solitary time from Marco. That is, until he realizes that Marco doesn’t even mind his intrusion.

 

He comes to the realization that Marco’s hands don’t shake from withdrawal. He smokes to relax when he needs to think less clearly for a little while. His hands shake when he’s upset, which seems to be most of the time.

 

Marco’s hands shake less when Jean is nearby.

 

Jean notices, and starts following him when he goes for a breath of air.

 

They still don’t talk much.

 

\---

 

Marco understands Jean. He gets that Jean isn’t sure what to make of him. He gets that his kindness and politeness aren’t going to rub off on Jean.

 

He’s not going to try to change Jean.

 

Jean is grateful. He didn’t know that that was a thing he could be grateful for, but he is.

 

They talk.

 

Jean laughs at Marco’s jokes. Marco laughs at Jean’s quips, even when they’re bad, or dirty, or accidental.

 

Marco lets Jean pet his clean, soft hair as they shelter behind the barracks.

 

Marco lies with his head in Jean’s lap and Jean leans back against the brickwork that breathes imaginary warmth through him. When Marco smokes, Jean warns him not to get ash in his lap. Marco flicks the ash at him, laughing, until Jean shoves him off, growling and swearing under his breath.

 

Marco smokes less. He smells less like smoke and more like clean hair and leather polish and cold steel and warm skin.

 

Jean is secretly glad.

 

\---

 

Jean and Marco have been friends forever.

 

They talk all the time.

 

Jean asks Marco about the kid he had kissed behind the dining hall on Sunday. Marco goes red and mutters that that was a long time ago.

 

It was a long time ago. Jean is still bothered by it. Seeing that had made him hate Marco again. It had delayed their friendship. And it had made him want to be kissed.

 

Marco thinks Jean is waiting for the rest of the explanation. He admits that it had been an experiment, but that it had never gone anywhere because the other kid had been a terrible kisser.

 

Jean asks how he knows. Had he ever been kissed before or since?

 

Marco says that he can just tell.

 

Jean wonders if he’s a good kisser.

 

Marco reads his mind. He’s gotten good at that. He tactfully says nothing. Jean reaches into Marco’s coat and pulls out the battered box of cigarettes. Offers it to Marco. Marco tucks them back into his jacket with a slight smile, his fingers lingering on Jean’s skin long after he’s stopped touching him. Ghostly. Weird. Unsettling.

 

They sit there in silence.

 

\---

 

Jean wants to kiss Marco.

 

He starts avoiding him. It makes sense. He sits far away from him at meals. He doesn’t follow him outside, even when Marco asks him if he wants to.

 

He does want to.

 

He and Marco have been friends forever. This new desire changes everything. He wants to be Marco’s friend. He also wants to kiss him and stroke his hair and maybe make Marco feel secure enough that he won’t cry in his sleep.

 

Now he knows why someone would want to smoke. It’s frustrating and he’s thinking too much.

 

He needs to remember to ask Marco to help him redye his hair.

 

\---

 

The next time Marco stands up to go outside, he fixes his eyes on Jean. Jean has never seen that look before. He looks one-hundred-percent unmovable, and when he tells Jean to accompany him, Jean stands up meekly, knowing that Marco would drag him out in front of everybody, pride be damned, if he refused.

 

Marco does not push Jean up against the wall and kiss him. He does not slide his cold fingers up Jean’s shirt. He does not let Jean twine his hands in his hair and tug.

 

He lights a cigarette.

 

Asks if he’s done something wrong.

 

It occurs to Jean that Marco has no idea why he’s been avoiding him. Or maybe he has half an idea and doesn’t want to jump to conclusions.

 

He strongly wishes that Marco would push him against the wall instead of talking to him. It occurs to Jean that this would be a cowardly way out and Marco deserves an answer.

 

Jean is not as tactful as Marco. He does not know how to tread around a delicate answer the way Marco does.

 

He flat-out tells him.

 

They’re friends. And Jean wants to kiss him and comfort him. And he wants to still be his friend.

 

Marco puts out his cigarette on the bricks of the wall.

 

He says he _thought_ that was it. He looks smug and happy and his face is flushed.

 

Jean’s not sure what to think, so he pulls Marco toward him by the front of his shirt. Gently. Insistently. Marco lets him, and he doesn’t have to tip his head back much to look into Jean’s helpless eyes.

 

Marco says he does too.

 

Jean says what?

 

Marco says he wants to kiss Jean and still be his friend, too. He says he really likes Jean and that Jean is amazing.

 

Jean pushes Marco back gently until he’s pressed against the wall. He kisses him.

 

Marco softly slides Jean’s mouth open with his own. Jean can tell Marco is a very good kisser. He’s afraid he’s not nearly so good, but Marco is making quiet, pleased noises.

 

Jean thinks Marco is wonderful.

 

\---

 

Jean and Marco are still friends. Jean thinks that he probably loves Marco, and Marco says that he probably loves Jean, too.

 

Jean can’t remember why he hated Marco. Marco is not perfect, but he is wonderful.

 

They kiss now, and sometimes Jean will slide into Marco’s bed when he’s woken by his soft sobs. Marco will shake and Jean will soothe him, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. If he wakes up, sometimes Jean will dry Marco’s face and then kiss him softly on the cheeks. He tells him stories until Marco drifts off.

 

Marco often sleepily says that Jean should write them down.

 

Jean does not want to. He selfishly wants to be the only one to convey stories to Marco. He doesn’t want there to be a time when he’s not around to tell Marco stories or whisper dirty jokes to him in the dark until Marco is squirming and chuckling and hiding his face against Jean’s collarbone.

 

These are the good times and they will last forever in the same way that Jean has loved Marco forever.

 

\---

 

Sometimes now they steal a moment alone where they do more than kiss. Marco assures Jean that he’s good at kissing, but Jean feels sure he’d be better at other things.

 

He wants to touch Marco. He wants to run his hands up his sides and nip at his ear, hard, and twist his fingers into Marco’s hair.

 

He does these things with the interesting addition of Marco attempting to do similar things to him at the same time. But Jean has the upper hand because he started taking Marco apart with touch and sensation before Marco could catch up.

 

Marco is sensitive in more than one way, it seems, and when Jean palms him through his pants Marco arches and whines so loudly that Jean kisses him hastily, half-laughing as Marco scrambles to get his fly undone.

 

Jean hesitates when Marco tugs his pants and underwear down enough to expose himself.

 

Jean glances up at Marco and he is biting his lip and looks a little nervous.

 

That weirdly reassures Jean. He takes Marco’s hand and wraps both of their hands around Marco and he gives a broken whine and thrusts his hips desperately and Jean whispers that he loves him and strokes his hair.

 

Marco is wonderful. Jean loves Marco so much. They are friends.

 

They will live happily together for the rest of their lives.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi to me on tumblr!! (quasi-birdpeople.tumblr.com)


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